“Is Brittany there?” I question the quiet voice who answers my call. The quiet voice whose heart is about to get run over by a Mac truck. A Mac truck driven by me.
“Yes, this is her.” Brittany confirms while I’m uploading her picture sent to me by Terry, her soon to be ex-boyfriend.
“I’m Jenn from Splitsville.com,” I say going into my spiel, “and I’m calling on behalf of Terry who wants to break up with you.”
Brittany’s picture pops up on the screen. My heart bleeds for the smiling twenty something year old gal staring back at me. Her straight red hair is cut in a blunt bob, not a strand out of place. Glistening white teeth come off whiter up against her perfectly belted black cardigan.
Let me backtrack a minute. Splitsville.com started a couple of years ago when a friend wanted to dump her boyfriend. She was a big chicken, so I did it for her. Called his ass up, broke the news and Splitsville.com was born.
Here’s how it works. Clients contact me through the online form where they give their name, email address, working phone number, reason for dumping, a few details of their relationship, and a picture of the victim and, this is the most important part, payment in full. The reason for the cashola up front is in case the dump is a joke. In that case, they deserve to lose their money for being an ass and I deserve to keep it for having to deal with them.
I offer three “Break Up” packages. The cheapest and most popular is “the general break-up” for a low price of fifty dollars. “The engagement break-up” is a little steeper at one hundred dollars. It totally should be more because I can’t imagine being in the fiancé’s shoes on this one. And the worst and most expensive break-up of all is “the divorce break-up” setting up the big jerk back a mere two hundred dollars.
I know, it sounds heartless, but really, I’m helping people who are in loveless relationships be free. Like the girl on my computer who’s staring back at me. Sometimes, no matter how badly a person wants out, they just can’t pull the trigger. Splitsville.com, which means me, does it instead. Sometimes it’s not easy, but it’s my job so I don’t let my emotions into the equation.
Right on cue, she says, “Terry hired you?” Brittany is starting the first stage in “The Process.”
And the panic button is being pushed.
“The Process” is a list I’ve carefully crafted over the course of breaking up for people. No
matter what the circumstances of the dump, the process is still the same.
1. Panic (This is the first emotion when they hear the words break-up.)
2. Disbelief (They think I’m playing a joke on them.)
3. Defensive (After they realize I’m not joking, they want to explain their side.)
4. Explanation (They want me to explain the situation all over.)
5. Denial (This is where they take it out on me and deny my existence.)
6. Anger (Awww…where my ear drum becomes busted.)
7. Acceptance (Finally! They have to acknowledge the break-up and I can end the call.)
“Yes Terry hired me to break-up with you. Your obsessive habits drive him crazy.” I only state the facts in the beginning because I know she’s only taking in one word at a time. And if I get soft, the whole call will go to hell. I show my weakness and it’s over.
“How do you know Terry?” Her voice is beginning to escalate. “Is he cheating on me with you?”
Ahh…here goes number two in “the process.” She wants to cross-examine me on how I know Terry.
I take a deep breath and keep going. One thing’s for sure, this job is not easy. “No, Brit. Can I call you Brit?” I don’t wait for her answer. “He hired me to dump you because your OCD is getting in the way of your relationship.” I look at the sweet picture of Brittany that Terry sent me. I can image the fear in her eyes, especially if she’s OCD.
“I’m sorry?” She questions me like she doesn’t understand English.
“Terry emailed my online break-up service, Spitsville.com. He hired me to break up with you for him because your OCD is getting in the way of the relationship.” I practically repeat myself, but it’s usually necessary. Breakup services, after all, aren’t common like matchmaking websites. I’m one of a kind